My dreams came true and I just found new ways to be miserable.

My fifth novel Red Star Hustle just dropped, and on pub day I did what I usually do on pub day - I swung by Union Square, where there's the Strand and a Barnes & Noble very near one another - probably the two biggest bookstores in the city - and I looked for my book.

It wasn't in one of them. The other only had one copy.

And I found myself stricken. Feeling hurt, sad, resentful... maybe even a little bit angry? Like at the world, and publishing, and those book stores in particular?

And it took a REALLY REALLY GOOD CARDAMOM BUN to stop me and sit me down and take a few deep breaths and think.

And realize.

Liiiike - (A) this is a dream come true. You published a novel!! YOU SPENT DECADES DREAMING OF PUBLISHING A NOVEL!! THOUSANDS OF OTHER WRITERS STILL HAVE THAT AS THEIR HIGHEST GOAL, and haven't yet achieved it, and you've published five, and you're MAD ONE BOOKSTORE DOESN'T HAVE IT??

And (B) THESE ARE BOOKSTORES!! BOOKSTORES ARE YOUR HAPPY PLACE! Something is seriously wrong if you're moving through a bookstore feeling BAD. Books are still being published, still being bought. People still read. What the fuck is wrong with you.

What I am trying to say is: publishing will suck all the joy and light from your life if you let it.

Publishing is a business. It's run by people trying to make money. It's full of people who love books, but it's all about the bottom line. And the bottom line doesn't give a shit about you.

If you're an undercover operative here in the apocalypse, your Prime Directive is probably not Make Money. If Make Money was your Prime Directive, you'd probably be writing something completely different. Like the man says in Citizen Kane, "it's no trick to make a lot of money... if all you want is to make a lot of money."

So. Taking a step back. Bearing that in mind. Breathing deep for ten deep breaths. Remembering that we're living in a nightmare timeline with multiple genocides and brutal imperialist wars and a Death Cult that has taken over your country... where the bullies are flourishing; and IT IS A VERY GOOD SIGN if you are out-of-step with a deeply toxic moment.

That's not to say that commercial success and creative excellence can't coexist. They absolutely do, all the time, and tons of brilliant books are also blockbusters.

But lots more struggle. And die on the vine. Or never see the light of day.

And a hundred years later, the blockbusters are frequently forgotten, and the unpublishable stuff has conquered the world.

And in the meantime, bookstores are wonderful. And packed with great books. And also full of garbage. And there are lots of people who think that the books I think are garbage are great, and that the books I think are great are garbage.

We are stupid hungry animals. And when we get what we want, it's all too easy to shift our focus, move our goalposts, and focus on what we don't have instead.

That instinct is real, but it's also bullshit. Fight it.

The work is real. Your people are real. Not "the people" as an abstract mass, the anonymous millions you wish would connect with your work, but your people, the ones who love and value what you are making, and the weirdoes who are just like you, the ones who maybe haven't found your work yet, but when they do, it will mean something to them. That's who you're doing this for, not the folks who only buy what the New York Times tells them to.

And remember. It might not be a bad thing, to be out of step with this hellish moment.